Candor

Most everyone who knows me knows that I'm not nearly as witty and fun as I pretend to be. I know that doesn't make any sense. Of course I'm witty. I say clever things constantly. And of course I'm fun. I like to laugh, and I like to make people laugh, and I do silly things like skip down the flight line.

It's hard even for me to tell, sometimes, how much of that facade is really Lea, and how much of it is who Lea wants to present to the world.

Before anyone asks, no, I'm not depressed. Just a little pensive, maybe.

But that's what I mean. Does anyone really know I'm thoughtful? (There you go, Molly, it's finally out there.) Or have I pigeonholed myself into the role of the chick in the peanut gallery? Does anyone know that I actually like being helpful, or have I pawned it off on USMC conditioning one too many times?

The Marine Corps experience was about being tough, showing no emotion, and getting the job done no matter what the circumstances. I can't begin to explain how much I needed all my bravado on the days when I wasn't good enough because I was new, or because I was a girl, or because I was, honestly, smarter than a lot of the people I worked with. (It's a strange world, by the way, when you're told that you're too smart. Really, what is that about?)

But for years, even before the Marine Corps, I struggled to feel like I was "good enough". That, to an extent, is how I ended up at Parris Island: someone told me I'd make a good Marine, and I wanted to prove it to myself.

And maybe it's because I really have known, at times (a lot of times), that I could have done better. I have this theory that no one really ever gets over high school. Tell me about your life, and tell me about your high school experience, and I will tell you why I think you haven't gotten over it. (I am in no way qualified as a therapist of any kind. But I have these theories, see...) My high school experience was all about how I could have done better. So these days, I'm trying to prove it to everybody.

I know that, in part, is why I struggled with the feeling I had in my gut that God was calling me to something more than what I had been planning for. Didn't He know that I got picked last for kickball? Didn't He know that I could have graduated in the top ten of my class but was too lazy to work for it the way I should have? Did He really, really know what He was getting Himself into?

I still don't feel like I'm good enough. I still have to work really hard at being genuine. I still try to be a smartass. I still want the people I like to like me. I don't really care much what anyone else thinks, and goodness knows I'm okay enough with myself not to care about the opinions of someone whose opinion I don't respect in the first place.

I'm not sure the girl with the clever aside is ever going to go away. I dig irony and absurdity, and I feel compelled at times to point them out... It's how I roll. But cracking through that exterior to find the thoughtful, helpful girl with the timely insight--and to be her, to live her life--might take a while.